For the Love of Unicornball: Archive

Now I'm on a mission

I want to find more examples of notoriously terrible stars that are featured in great films or television shows in some capacity. Everyone knows they shouldn’t be there, but for some reason the director did them a favor or liked them for something other than acting. Do you know of anything?

May 7th

May 2nd

10 notes

Wild at Achy Breaky Heart

Tonight I saw Billy Ray Cyrus starring in the great David Lynch’s Mulholland Dr. I believe the world ended when this happened in 2001 and we are now all living in a bad dream.

May 1st

Sucky List

Did you know… Kevin Smith was on an episode of “Yes, Dear”? My head imploded. This show was the second worst thing created in the history of man, next to “According to Jim” and “AIDS”, which are tied for first.

Apr 5th

Minty, The Candy Cane That Fell on the Ground

From Conan, the late night television show starring Conan O’Brien Presenting… the lyrics Vocals I assume to be by Brian Stack, Minty played by Brian McCann When the holidays come ‘round, you can hear the sound Of Minty the Candy Cane who briefly fell on the ground Minty fell on the ground Now Minty’s covered in goo ‘Cause Minty fell on the ground for just a moment...

Dec 15th

Nov 20th

48 notes

5 tags

Greg Giraldo has passed

Greg is gone. Robert Schimmel has passed. My internet is incredibly slow today. I can’t even read TMZ - this is the real tragedy. Anyway… Both of these comics I highly respected, and wasn’t here to post when Schimmel died. SO… First I present a segment from “Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn”, a highly underrated Comedy Central show that should still be on the air...

Sep 30th

Jul 5th

2 tags

Hello there

I’m writing something on a holiday not pertaining to that holiday. It’s fairly difficult not to be topical. See, that’s all I can write. The end.

Jul 5th

No job, no school

Guess what that means. That’s right, more huffing Lysol off the ass of a Nigerian hooker.

Jun 30th

4 tags

Jun 9th

2 tags

Jinx

“Jinx, buy me a Coke.” This indicates to me that the proper term for a soft drink is “a Coke”. Suck it, people not from Texas.

Apr 26th

2 tags

Apr 20th

For my punishment,

because I neglected this blog, I will cut my penis off. And reattach it with some really rusty wire. WILL THAT MAKE YOU HAPPY MOM?!

Apr 14th

Apr 1st

1 tag

Internet Service Provider Review

Once upon a time, there was a boy who dreamed of having a great internet connection. His porno DVDs were out of date, and he yearned to waste an extraordinary amount of time. That porn was so old. I mean, the guys still had strange blond mustaches and huge mounds of ball hair. The women had a strong tuft of a bush, but in some way that makes me go crazy. Sometimes I long for old porn like that....

Mar 22nd

2 tags

Mar 22nd

2 tags

Mar 20th

2 tags

Mar 19th

Mar 18th

159 notes

Watch

Jackie’s Going to be a Mommy!

Mar 18th

2 tags

Mar 17th

2 tags

Mar 17th

2 tags

Mar 16th

Mar 15th

2 tags

Mar 14th

2 tags

Watch

Wanda Sykes - Porn is Funny (daily stand-up)

Mar 14th

Mar 13th

12 notes

1 tag

Watch

Artie Lange - Mistaken Identity (daily stand-up)

Mar 12th

2 tags

Mar 11th

Listen

Mar 11th

Listen

Mar 11th

54 notes

Listen

Mar 10th

2 tags

Mar 9th

2 tags

Mar 8th

1 tag

High Thoughts*, by Unicornball

I began taking acidophilus today. I couldn’t help but think about all of the tiny living things that would soon be swarming my digestive system. Then came the money shot in my brain: Scientists should engineer a tapeworm that would survive on the host’s nutrition, and in return excrete a substance that would keep its host constantly high. What kind of high? I have yet to iron out...

Mar 8th

The host of VH1's "Flavor of Love: Charm School"...

funnyordie: (via thatisawesome) And, in the words of Ruthless Reviews, that’s one more Oscar than Stanley Kubrick ever earned.

Mar 8th

44 notes

Mar 8th

31 notes

2 tags

Mar 7th

2 tags

Mar 6th

68 notes

2 tags

Watch

Lisa Landry - Key Bowl (daily stand-up)

Mar 5th

Mar 4th

3 tags

Mar 4th

3 tags

Mar 4th

2 tags

Watch

Slovin & Allen - Time Machine (daily stand-up)

Mar 3rd

Getting rid of my funny, whatever there was in the...

Ok, I’ve decided to stop being even slightly amusing? Not really as a choice, but I think it is a side effect of my lifestyle changes. Here’s why: I’m drinking far less. Drinking makes people funny by nature, and it always gives me ideas I normally wouldn’t have. I’m on a mission to lose weight. Skinny people aren’t funny. Fat is funny. I weigh 250 pounds...

Mar 3rd