Once upon a time, there was a boy who dreamed of having a great internet connection. His porno DVDs were out of date, and he yearned to waste an extraordinary amount of time. That porn was so old. I mean, the guys still had strange blond mustaches and huge mounds of ball hair. The women had a strong tuft of a bush, but in some way that makes me go crazy. Sometimes I long for old porn like that. *Cough* Well now back to the story.

The boy walked back from his 23 1/2 hour-a-day job at the coal mine to his home, but merely ten blocks away, a man who looked like an old stapler on top of a dog whistle was standing there. Others like to call him “old molester guy.” I called him “Uncle Pete”. But it wasn’t that molester at all, it was actually a guy wearing a Dr. Manhattan costume from Watchmen. He had his real penis exposed, sloppily smeared with blue makeup.  

The preceding paragraph had nothing to do with the story. The boy’s rich parents pay for his cable internet, but it never seems to work. That’s all he can think about when he’s at the coal mine all day digging. “Why do I do this if my parents are rich, and why won’t the cable internet that they buy me ever work? I need some updated porn now!”

And he lived happily ever after.

The end?